The Mandatory Marriage Movement: A Plea for Humility

Over the past several weeks, I have been appauled at the attitude of many of the women associated with the mandatory marriage movement. Not only that, it seems like sin breeds sin, and the men have responded in a very nasty fashion. I am really concerned about all of this, and I am concerned that, ultimately, the one who is going to get hurt is the woman. It is with this in mind that I write this post.

To what am I referring. Well, I am referring to an article that really started this whole thing by Suzanne Hadley called Not Your Buddy. The whole premise of the article is that there is a possibility of the blurring of the line between a friendship and a relationship, and that one needs to be careful that there is no crossing of the line. For example, she argues that there is, in men who blur this line, a desire to have the benefits of the relationship without commitment.

What I have been appauled at is, first of all, the lack of critical thinking that has been put into this kind of article, but also the utterly arrogant and nasty responses of women, and the likeminded responses of men. Not only that, the drum keeps on being beat ad infinitum ad nauseum. In the last few weeks, I have heard this on the Focus on the Family radio program from Candice Watters, The Boundless Show, and a Boundless article that just came out today.

What is interesting is that I must not be the only one who is noticing it, since Motte Brown posted this at the end of the blog post for the podcast:

Note: And please guys, if you’re thinking about writing to complain that we’re bashing men again, don’t. These are the Inbox questions we get. If you have some questions of your own about the mysteries of the fairer sex, we’ll be happy to answer those as well.

Now, I first have to ask: Are we seriously supposed to believe that these are the only Inbox questions they get? For as big as Focus on the Family is, and as much marketing power as these guys have to get their messages out there, I find it *extremely* hard to believe that this is all they get. Not only that, but why focus on this stuff in the Focus on the Family broadcast, the podcast, and the first article this week?

Not only that, but why focus on this with an uncritical and sometimes downright arrogant attitude? There are several comments that I think need to be made before we can even discuss legitimate circumstances in which this does happen.

First of all, one must ask, given the fact that women tend to think about things through their emotions much more than men, how do we know that all of these instances are legitimate instances of this? Imagine a general friendship that the woman secretly wants to be more than what it is. However, the man will not commit. She complains that they spend way to much time together, and yet, one of her friends tells her that the only time they really talk is after church service, and even then she is preventing him from leaving to attend to his errands, and her friend can tell that he is getting annoyed. She says she is tired of them sharing each others’ deep, dark secrets with him, but the reality is that she is the only one sharing these secrets. In essence, what this turns into is an instance of the “Buddy Syndrome” that is illegitimate, because the woman is interpreting her experiences with this guy through the lens of her desire to be in a relationship with him. How do we know that is not going on?

Now, not only that, we also have to beware of the fact that we live in a culture that is very anti-male. I have talked to lawyers who are getting tired of all of the sexual harrassment and stalking cases that are just getting out of control. I remember a lawyer telling me about a woman who was cheating on her husband, and her husband caught her. However, she ended up kicking him out of the house, and didn’t even give him time to get his clothes. After a while, when he started getting a little ripe, and needed a shower, he called her to ask if he could set up a time to pick up his clothes. Because of that call, he was slapped with a telecommunications harassment charge, and was issued a restraining order.

This that this is the only story? Think again. Phyllis Schlafly tells a story about a twelve year old who was suspended for sexual harassment when he stuck his tongue out at a girl who had just refused to be his girlfriend. One lawyer told me that they hand out these restraining orders like candy. Of course, what do you expect when you define morality on the basis of how the person feels rather than on what the person did? Feelings are subjective, and it will create a mess.

Now, do you expect that a man is going to be very open about his feelings for a girl when he has been through something like that? I rather doubt it. Also, consider the fact that it may not even be related to this kind of abuse. Maybe someone hurt him really bad, or abused him in some other way. All of these things play into this issue, and to just say that this is an example of the “Buddy Syndrome” without asking a few more questions is simply being uncritical. The next question that one must ask is who will ever admit to being treated in this fashion? I think a lot of the answers that are given by men that women think reflect a lack of commitment may be simply ways of getting out of a situation where they have to tell someone about some abuse in their past.

Now, let us suppose that it is not a matter of abuse, nor is it a matter of the woman’s misinterpretation. Let us now suppose that we have a legitimate case of a man who will not commit. Candice offers this advice:

For your part, I think the best thing you can do is back away from him. It won’t be easy because you do like him so much and do wish it were more than “just friends.” But he is defrauding* you; taking advantage of your time, friendship and affections without giving any commitment. He is not protecting your heart. He is acting irresponsibly toward you, even if he doesn’t recognize that he is. (In his defense, it’s possible he’s naive to the pain he’s causing you and the inappropriateness of his behavior. Though that’s no reason to let him continue.)

If you spend less time with him, he’ll either miss you and realize he does want to make your relationship official. Or he will move on to another woman (and likely treat her the same way). As painful as that second scenario would be, it will be even more painful if you delay it (and invest even more of yourself in him between now and then). As happy as that first scenario would be (and it would be happy if it works out that way), it’s unlikely to happen if you don’t cut him off from so much access to you. Either way there is no benefit to delay (you’ve already shown you’re unhappy with the way things are).

Now, I want to compare what Candice says to what Jesus says we are to do when we are wronged by a brother:

Matthew 18:15-20 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. 18 “Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. 19 “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. 20 “For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”

Notice how Candice’s solution simply avoids everything that Jesus says here. The first step is for this girl to go up to this guy and simply say, “You know, I am concerned about the fact that the amount of time that we are spending together is making it look like we are an item when we are not. I really like you, and I do want to marry you, but if we are not going to be in a relationship, I think that we need to set boundaries so that we do not end up looking like we are.” She can then explain to him that she does want to get married, and that she is afraid of the consequences of this continuing.

If that doesn’t work, then Jesus says you are to take someone else along [another girl, perhaps, who has noticed the same things she has noticed].

If he still will not listen to them, then they need to take it to the church. Both of them need to go to an elder, and tell them that there is a problem here. If he does not listen to them, then, and only then does Jesus say women are to do what Candice is suggesting.

I want you to notice the difference between the emphasis of Jesus and the emphasis of Candice Watters. Candice accuses this man of “defrauding” her, and basically keeping other guys from seeing that she is available. The whole center of Candice’s concern is this woman getting married. We see, again this idolatry coming through in what Candice says and writes.

Now, I want you to notice the emphasis on what Jesus says. Does Jesus want to take away the good, Godly desires that a woman may have? No. However, Jesus recognizes that the goal here is restoration. You see, Candice even mentions that this guy may do this again if given another chance. However, if you, instead, take Jesus’ advice, you will have won your brother.

I also want to notice Jesus’ usage of the term “brother.” This puts the person who has been wronged on an equal level with the person who has wronged them. What I have been amazed at is the arrogance of the way in which Candice Watters and others have handled this situation. For example, take a look at the downright snotty remark Candice makes towards this man:

Thanks for writing! I agree with you that your male friend (and future pastor) is indeed sending mixed signals. Though I disagree that he is “very godly”– at least when it comes to how he relates to women. This is sadly too common these days, in part because men aren’t expected to get married anytime soon and also because women let them get away with it.

Actually, the reason why men do this [in legitimate cases, that is] is because of sin, and not because of some unbiblical expectation that needs to be put in place for men to marry. Again, I have to ask if Candice has thought this position through. Does she really want someone like this to get married, and then have this kind of a relationship with a woman other than his wife? No, that will not solve this problem. Also, I want to notice this whole notion of “women let them get away with it.” I, again, want to ask if that is Jesus’ attitude? Jesus does not tell the person that they must accept that what the other person did is right, but he does tell them that there must approach the other person on equal footing, with the intent of restoring their brother. However, the arrogance only gets worse:

He is acting irresponsibly toward you, even if he doesn’t recognize that he is. (In his defense, it’s possible he’s naive to the pain he’s causing you and the inappropriateness of his behavior. Though that’s no reason to let him continue.)

Yes, let us just throw out all other explainations, and just assume that he is just naive. Again, compare Candice’s attitude with the attitude of Jesus. Her attitude is, “He is just foolishly naive; that’s no reason to not let him get you, though.” Again, I have to ask what will happen next time Candice is in a situation in which she has hurt someone, and does not realize it. Would she appriciate someone calling her naive to the pain she is causing someone else, and have someone tell this person, “But that’s no reason to let her continue.”

However, it gets worse. Consider this quote:

Now to him. If he really does want to be a pastor someday, his behavior will have to change or he’s headed for trouble. What a man like him needs most–in addition to a rock solid commitment to Christ and Christ’s transformative power at work in his sinful heart–is godly, wise and practical mentors who can help him see his need to change the way he relates to women. Then he’ll be ready to find and take a wife. And that’s also something a man like him probably needs to succeed in his life work and calling. (See especially God’s solution to Adam’s aloneness in Genesis 2, as well as Paul’s conversations with Timothy about the centrality of family to making healthy church leaders.)

His behavior is really frustrating (and despicable) wherever it occurs. But especially so in men who are already claiming pastor status. The standard of conduct for them is, and ought to be, higher (James 3:1-3).

The question for you is, will you hold him to it?

Now, I have been over Genesis 2:18 ad infinitum ad nauseum. The best I have gotten in response to my exegesis of that passage is name calling from Albert Mohler calling it “warped,” and leaping out of the text to 1 Corinthians 7, and not engaging in any exegesis there either. I will not repeat what I have said there. However, Candice says this man needs mentors. No, what he needs is someone to lovingly rebuke him in an attempt, not to tear him down, but to restore him, if, indeed, this is the problem. The fact that Candice tells this woman to leave this up to a mentor is in direct violation of what this text in Matthew 18 says. The difference in the attitude between Candice Watters and Jesus Christ is instructive.

As I alluded to earlier, I can see how Candice’s views of marriage being as necessary to an individual as food play into this. If you are being starved to death, then the most important thing is going to be to get your food, and you can act as arrogant and as snotty as you want to anyone who stands in your way, expecially people who have wronged you.

That being said, I have also been alarmed at the superiority complex that women have developed ever since this movement came out. Honestly, I do not blame the women for this. I blame teachers like Debbie Maken who gave a blank check to women to shame single men simply because they did not give them what they want, namely, marriage. The importance of that term “brother” in Matthew 18 is that we need to not treat each other arrogantly when we rebuke one another. We need to recognize that we too are sinners. Hence, we approach rebuking a brother as if we are a beggar who has found food, and wants to show another beggar where he can find food. The point should always be restoration, not “Don’t let him do that to you.” Neither women nor men are spiritually superior. Neither women nor men are more intellegent than the other. If you are a woman, and you think you are more intelligent then men, rest assured that one day you will meet a guy who will be able to refute everything you say, and dominate you intellectually. If you think you are spiritually superior to men, then be prepared to one day meet a man who seems to be always right. I am saying all of these things because, no matter how good you are, there is always someone better.

That is why God requires us to act in humility when we rebuke, even when we are in the right. I am afraid that, if this does not stop, eventually, a woman who behaves in the manner Candice suggests towards someone who has wronged them will one day have that behavior returned. Of course, in both instances, it is wrong, but there are many people who will seek vengance, and the weaker vessel, as the apostle Peter calls her, will get hurt worse than the man. Sin breeds sin; arrogance breeds arrogance.

My plea here is for both sides of this debate to humble themselves before one another and be Biblical in the way we handle those who have wronged us. First of all, we might want to go to scripture, and find out if it is actually sin before we go saying things like, “Delay of marriage is a sin.” However, even when we do find out that something is sin, we need to recognize that we are sinners too, and we need to recognize that God has called us, because of this, to act humbly, yet uncompromisingly in such a situation. We need to be aware that one day we may wrong that same person who has wronged us, and thus, we need to treat him in the same way that we would want to be treated if we were in his shoes. I think that, if we remember these Biblical principles, this firestorm will calm down.